Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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