My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize