that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
