In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
