these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
