My friends, they love my intelligence
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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