So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
