"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
