I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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