he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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