The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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