She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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