I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
