If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
