Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
