The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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