i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
