This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
