so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
