I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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