Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
