Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
