Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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