No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
