Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
