what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
