i love accidental penises.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
