He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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