kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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