If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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