All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize