she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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