doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
