I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
