is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
its liver damage thursday
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
