I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
