Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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