Sry I called you an 8
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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