In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
