its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
