I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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