1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
