This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
