Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
