This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
