I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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