I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm too high and old for this...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
