So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
