i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
