I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
