i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
