My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
tell me about the eggs
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
