My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize