so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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