I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
