if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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