some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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