...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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