Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
