Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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