im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
